Part 2...To Get To Your BJJ Soul, You Have To Get Past Your Ego
“What ever I physically accomplished on those mountains is minor in comparison to what they taught me about myself and about humanity.”--Mark Twight, Climber
One of the hardest things for me in my training has been getting over the notion that I have to win. With each higher belt I have attained somehow it seemed less acceptable for me to lose. This really started for me at purple belt. And only about a year ago did I realize that this is how I was training...to not lose. That translated into a lack of fluidity and creativity on the mat and if I think back there is no way that this didn’t affect my behavior off the mat.
If your BJJ training becomes about a true development of your spirit then the outcome of your practice wont be the motivation to train. The motivation isnt your ability to twist someone into a pretzel (although that is a very cool part of it all), rather the true motivation is to prepare yourself for the minute-to-minute battle that rages inside of us all.
There is a conversation that goes on in all of our heads when there is no one else around to talk to. And that little voice that talks AT you...well, it’s mischevious. It likes to lie to you, and judge. It is envious of others, insecure, racist, jealous...it yells at you “no one talks like that to me” and “who does he think he is?! I would never do something like that!” and “That guys an idiot!” The fight that we need to prepare for isnt the tough guy in the Affliction tshirt at the bar...its against this little voice inside of us called our “ego” and it constantly wants to be let out.
Let’s be clear...”Your thoughts are not who you are!” I know you’ve heard different...like your thoughts define you etc etc. Not True! Our minds create 60,000 thoughts a day! Your actions certainly define you! And if the little impish voice wins and speaks out...it is usually the sign of bad things to come. What good has ever come of accusing your girlfriend in a jealous tirade? Or telling someone “Do you know who I am???” (I’ve heard that one a lot actually...its embarrassing when I see it). When that little voice wins, when it dominates your thoughts...bad things happen.
I have come up with a saying for this...”Tony Soprano Syndrome.” When that little voice over powers you and is let out...well...you become Tony Soprano. The only thing is...in Hollywood (or New Jersey), Tony oftentimes wins. I can’t think of once a good outcome occurred when my ego shined through. Sure I’ve made girls cry and family members scream...but is that really winning? Embarrassing is probably a more accurate description.
Now when I go out and train it is always in preparation for the fight for my life, which is me over my ego with virtually every decision I make. Just being aware of this inner battle has created so much more inner calmness for me. I have less and less to prove...and the paradox...the really incredible thing is my BJJ and my life in general have gained much more flow.
I realize what is hampering me in my training (almost always my pride) and I realize when my thoughts are being dominated by my ego (which is often) and I can fight to chase them away. This “flow” this ease within myself and with others translates into submissions...which is Brazilian for enlightment! “SUBmahdi!”